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World-Class Asses: Bad Behaviors

World-Class Asses: Bad Behaviors
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  • World-Class Asses: Bad Behaviors

    Post #1 - July 7th, 2008, 1:44 pm
    Post #1 - July 7th, 2008, 1:44 pm Post #1 - July 7th, 2008, 1:44 pm
    I'm sort of at a loss for where to put this one, but it is a story that must be told. So I guess I'll start a new "World-Class Asses" thread; that seems to sum it up.

    I think like many here, in my personal philosophy toward food I balance a certain acceptance of the fact that my excess avoirdupois is the lot of the gourmand, with a certain desire to eat more healthily. Or as I have often put it, "If you're going to eat something bad for you, make sure it's really good." Don't go eating crappy oversalted trans-fat-filled processed junk from the freezer case at the Jewels or a fast food court, but dig into your Honey 1 rib tips or homemade pastrami without shame or fear, too.

    What's being a world-class ass is to give in to totally moronic temptations. Especially when you're in front of me in a line.

    So we're checked in for our flight back from Austin, and we have an hour to kill and the kids haven't been overdosed on sugar, so I figure they're entitled to a little Amy's ice cream at the airport. So I get in line. And I'm behind this woman and her three kids. This large woman. I will tread carefully in the next sentence, I say nothing derogatory about women who have earned their size as I have earned mine, from a frequently-exercised curiosity about the world and its many delights; but everything about her did, and would, demonstrate that she was the epitome of the thoughtless eater-out-of-crappy-freezer-cases. 15 years from now, one of her kids will learn to cook, and spend the rest of his or her life patting herself on the back for rising up from culinary nothingness. The rest will pass a love for frozen chicken enchiladas by the 24-pack on to the next generation.

    So Amy's has perfectly good ice cream, not great, but good, yet it also does the Marble Slab Funerary thing of mixing candies and cookies and other sugar-and-fat injection systems into the ice cream. Which, when only one person is working the counter, takes about 3-4 minutes per serving.

    Here's what she does, each, individually, so as to expend the maximum time in line:

    1) Requests a different taste of something for each of her brood. (Elapsed time: 1:30)

    2) Orders a different mix-in for each of her brood and herself. (12:17)

    3) Requests a bottled water. (:43)

    4) Has a conversation about the mix-in cookie dough which one of her progeny has ordered (no extra time, overlaps with #2)

    5) Requests individual cups for the water. (:32)

    6) Comments how long the line is getting behind her, ha ha! (:13)

    At last it will be our turn, no?

    No.

    She observes child #2's carapace of cookie dough over his ice cream, observes that it looks really good (which it does, if your idea of "looks really good" is chocolate-studded lard) and asks if she can get a side of cookie dough.

    A side of cookie dough.

    A phrase that has never been needed to be uttered before in the history of humanity, but has now been added to the lexicon of mankind's horrors, and can never be taken back.

    Her chocolate-studded lard duly dished up and sold for the price of 98 cents (the marginal cost of a mix-in), she walks off, trophy in hand, to further pad her Dalek-like figure in a way that no one has ever done before.

    And that, gentlemen of the jury, is why I believe you cannot convict me for the thing I did, not for myself, but for all of us.
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  • Post #2 - July 7th, 2008, 1:58 pm
    Post #2 - July 7th, 2008, 1:58 pm Post #2 - July 7th, 2008, 1:58 pm
    I would say that the fault lies with the business for doing something so time-intensive.
    Leek

    SAVING ONE DOG may not change the world,
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  • Post #3 - July 7th, 2008, 2:13 pm
    Post #3 - July 7th, 2008, 2:13 pm Post #3 - July 7th, 2008, 2:13 pm
    I would also fault the business, for not staffing their shop with at least two people when common custom orders can be so time-intensive. The customer I would fault with a general lack of consideration for other people in line if she was ordering things one at a time and taking test-spoons for everyone and generally dragging out the ordering process.

    I hesitate to place blame on her taste or her choice of snack. Who knows what she herself was raised in, as far as food-culture goes? Those are hard behaviors to un-learn, even if you try. And being limited to airport food can cause even the most careful and thoughtful consumers to make some pretty horrible choices in the name of "well, it was there, so that's what I had".
  • Post #4 - July 7th, 2008, 2:16 pm
    Post #4 - July 7th, 2008, 2:16 pm Post #4 - July 7th, 2008, 2:16 pm
    And being limited to airport food can cause even the most careful and thoughtful consumers to make some pretty horrible choices in the name of "well, it was there, so that's what I had".


    That, I can relate to.
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  • Post #5 - July 7th, 2008, 2:25 pm
    Post #5 - July 7th, 2008, 2:25 pm Post #5 - July 7th, 2008, 2:25 pm
    Mike G wrote:And that, gentlemen of the jury, is why I believe you cannot convict me for the thing I did, not for myself, but for all of us.


    I have read this topic twice trying to find the next part of the story. Maybe you want to let this linger a bit longer, but I am dying of curiosity over that one thing you did and seemingly have omitted.

    Regards,
    Cathy2

    "You'll be remembered long after you're dead if you make good gravy, mashed potatoes and biscuits." -- Nathalie Dupree
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  • Post #6 - July 7th, 2008, 2:30 pm
    Post #6 - July 7th, 2008, 2:30 pm Post #6 - July 7th, 2008, 2:30 pm
    I did no more than what Louis d'Ascoyne Mazzini did to those ahead of him in line...
    Watch Sky Full of Bacon, the Chicago food HD podcast!
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  • Post #7 - July 7th, 2008, 2:37 pm
    Post #7 - July 7th, 2008, 2:37 pm Post #7 - July 7th, 2008, 2:37 pm
    Mike G wrote:I did no more than what Louis d'Ascoyne Mazzini did to those ahead of him in line...


    Uhhh. . . you, too, asked for a side of cookie dough?
  • Post #8 - July 7th, 2008, 2:41 pm
    Post #8 - July 7th, 2008, 2:41 pm Post #8 - July 7th, 2008, 2:41 pm
    Mike G wrote:I did no more than what Louis d'Ascoyne Mazzini did to those ahead of him in line...


    Could it be an LTHforum first? A murder?

    I hope I don't have to watch Kind Hearts and Coronets to learn the answer. :)

    Regards,
    Cathy2

    "You'll be remembered long after you're dead if you make good gravy, mashed potatoes and biscuits." -- Nathalie Dupree
    Facebook, Twitter, Greater Midwest Foodways, Road Food 2012: Podcast
  • Post #9 - July 7th, 2008, 4:54 pm
    Post #9 - July 7th, 2008, 4:54 pm Post #9 - July 7th, 2008, 4:54 pm
    May I remind you of the Posting Guidelines :)

    --Talking about a mayor who cooks killer waffles is good.
    --Talking about a mayor who kills waffle cookers is starting to drift.
    ...
    - Some types of posts have legal implications for you and the site. Please refrain from accusations of criminal activity...


    So, if you're impressed that Mike polished off a gallon of cookie dough, you could post "Wow. He killed it!" But if he polished off the woman in line, well...
    ...defended from strong temptations to social ambition by a still stronger taste for tripe and onions." Screwtape in The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis

    Fuckerberg on Food
  • Post #10 - July 7th, 2008, 4:59 pm
    Post #10 - July 7th, 2008, 4:59 pm Post #10 - July 7th, 2008, 4:59 pm
    Kennyz wrote:May I remind you of the Posting Guidelines :)

    --Talking about a mayor who cooks killer waffles is good.
    --Talking about a mayor who kills waffle cookers is starting to drift.
    ...
    - Some types of posts have legal implications for you and the site. Please refrain from accusations of criminal activity...


    So, if you're impressed that Mike polished off a gallon of cookie dough, you could post "Wow. He killed it!" But if he polished off the woman in line, well...


    Touche! :D
    Cathy2

    "You'll be remembered long after you're dead if you make good gravy, mashed potatoes and biscuits." -- Nathalie Dupree
    Facebook, Twitter, Greater Midwest Foodways, Road Food 2012: Podcast
  • Post #11 - July 7th, 2008, 5:15 pm
    Post #11 - July 7th, 2008, 5:15 pm Post #11 - July 7th, 2008, 5:15 pm
    Kennyz wrote:So, if you're impressed that Mike polished off a gallon of cookie dough, you could post "Wow. He killed it!" But if he polished off the woman in line, well...


    I don't suppose this would be a case of someone getting their just desserts? :shock:
    Gypsy Boy

    "I am not a glutton--I am an explorer of food." (Erma Bombeck)
  • Post #12 - July 7th, 2008, 5:29 pm
    Post #12 - July 7th, 2008, 5:29 pm Post #12 - July 7th, 2008, 5:29 pm
    6) Comments how long the line is getting behind her, ha ha! (:13)


    In an airport, no less, where people are trying to hurrying through food lines in order to make their plane. I agree that Amy's should have staffed their airport location better for this very reason.

    As the person who observed Mike G in line while this transpired, I was glad it wasn't me in line or my blood pressure would have shot through the roof!
    We have the very best Embassy stuff.
  • Post #13 - July 7th, 2008, 6:35 pm
    Post #13 - July 7th, 2008, 6:35 pm Post #13 - July 7th, 2008, 6:35 pm
    Mike's apoplexy is so identifiable-with.

    Here's how my world is. I decide what I want. They tell me how much it is. I give them the money. They give me the thing.

    It's so simple! I wonder why the rest of the world can't seem to figure it out.
  • Post #14 - July 7th, 2008, 8:28 pm
    Post #14 - July 7th, 2008, 8:28 pm Post #14 - July 7th, 2008, 8:28 pm
    riddlemay wrote:Mike's apoplexy is so identifiable-with.

    Here's how my world is. I decide what I want. They tell me how much it is. I give them the money. They give me the thing.

    It's so simple! I wonder why the rest of the world can't seem to figure it out.


    Especially in a freaking airport!

    Mike G, I'm right there with you. I probably would have wanted to shove that "side of cookie dough" in a very uncomfortable place had I been in your position.

    Here's another for the World Class Asses series, Airport Edition...

    So, I was at Midway last week to catch a flight to Minneapolis. A co-worker and I got in the "veteran traveler" lane since we're speedy like that. The line to get our IDs checked moved, but not that quickly. We're one person away from getting our IDs checked when this exchange happened in front of us:

    TSA person: ID and boarding pass sir?

    Non-veteran traveler (after fumbling around for a minute or two): Um, here (shows TSA person an employee ID card)

    TSA person: No, you need a state ID with a photo.

    Non-veteran traveler: Um, I have a credit card.

    ...and scene.
    -Josh

    I've started blogging about the Stuff I Eat
  • Post #15 - July 8th, 2008, 3:41 pm
    Post #15 - July 8th, 2008, 3:41 pm Post #15 - July 8th, 2008, 3:41 pm
    King's Thursday wrote:
    6) Comments how long the line is getting behind her, ha ha! (:13)


    In an airport, no less, where people are trying to hurrying through food lines in order to make their plane. I agree that Amy's should have staffed their airport location better for this very reason.

    As the person who observed Mike G in line while this transpired, I was glad it wasn't me in line or my blood pressure would have shot through the roof!


    I'm with you - though as a former Starbucks barista at the Clark and Adams location ten years ago (the only downtown location near the Sears Tower open on the weekend - we regularly experienced similar behavior) I really feel for the shmoes smearing ice cream with ten types of impalatable gook and finding a way to smile and pretend it's terrific as the line swells with angry customers....
  • Post #16 - July 8th, 2008, 4:51 pm
    Post #16 - July 8th, 2008, 4:51 pm Post #16 - July 8th, 2008, 4:51 pm
    A side of cookie dough.


    You're the first hit on Google for this, but not the original. I like this one:

    http://hyperbolegirl.blogspot.com/2008/ ... ut-me.html

    I feel your pain. And I hope nobody spatulas me with nougat when I'm laid out.
  • Post #17 - July 8th, 2008, 9:53 pm
    Post #17 - July 8th, 2008, 9:53 pm Post #17 - July 8th, 2008, 9:53 pm
    Life is to short to get yourself worked up over other people's behavior.

    Take a deep breath and find something pleasant to think about while you're standing in line. Tell yourself you're indulging in some selfish think time--all for you--and you'll feel even better once you get to the head of the line and it is your turn to taste all those flavors.
    "The only thing I have to eat is Yoo-hoo and Cocoa puffs so if you want anything else, you have to bring it with you."
  • Post #18 - July 8th, 2008, 10:55 pm
    Post #18 - July 8th, 2008, 10:55 pm Post #18 - July 8th, 2008, 10:55 pm
    Hi,

    Diannie's suggestion reminded me of something from my other life. In the Soviet Union, where people regularly had lengthy commutes on public transportation or stood in lines to purchase difficult to obtain goods and services. It seemed like everyone carried a book with them to read. It certainly entertained your mind while doing something that consumed your time.

    Regards,
    Cathy2

    "You'll be remembered long after you're dead if you make good gravy, mashed potatoes and biscuits." -- Nathalie Dupree
    Facebook, Twitter, Greater Midwest Foodways, Road Food 2012: Podcast
  • Post #19 - July 8th, 2008, 11:38 pm
    Post #19 - July 8th, 2008, 11:38 pm Post #19 - July 8th, 2008, 11:38 pm
    You know, I was actually kind of amused by how protracted the ordering process was, it was as perfectly timed a study in comic frustration as the cheese-shop sketch on Monty Python or something, so I took that in stride.

    What floored me, clearly, was the sheer awfulness of the ordering of a side of cookie dough, which I simply think is something no one over the age of 6 should ever eat, or even want to, let alone conceive of as an appropriate side to anything-- least of all ice cream which is not, last I checked, either a main course or considered to be in need of help to be appetizing. To not only display such immaturity in one's adult palate but to transmit the attitudes behind it to the next generation is appalling.
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  • Post #20 - July 9th, 2008, 12:45 am
    Post #20 - July 9th, 2008, 12:45 am Post #20 - July 9th, 2008, 12:45 am
    Mike G wrote:...ice cream which is not, last I checked, either a main course or considered to be in need of help to be appetizing. To not only display such immaturity in one's adult palate but to transmit the attitudes behind it to the next generation is appalling.

    For something that needs no help, it sure seems like there are a lot of people who enjoy loading ice cream with syrups, hot fudge, fruit, candy, whipped cream, nuts and other lily-gilding toppings, mix-ins and accompaniments; packing it into profiteroles; layering it into pies, cakes and parfaits, and otherwise tarting it up.

    Who are we at LTHForum, home of the all-day ice cream tour, the Beef-a-thon and the Luther burger, to pass judgment on what other people eat?

    Just repeat to yourself, "De gustibus non est disputandum," and reflect on what all the Michael Jacobson types are saying about your diet.
  • Post #21 - July 9th, 2008, 7:34 am
    Post #21 - July 9th, 2008, 7:34 am Post #21 - July 9th, 2008, 7:34 am
    We are not the home of the Luther Burger.

    The essence of having taste is having principles. That adults should not be eating cookie dough is one of mine.

    It might be a fine line between adding chocolate syrup and adding a package of Gummi Bears to ice cream... aw, hell no it isn't. It's a line as wide as the Edens.
    Watch Sky Full of Bacon, the Chicago food HD podcast!
    New episode: Soil, Corn, Cows and Cheese
    Watch the Reader's James Beard Award-winning Key Ingredient here.
  • Post #22 - July 9th, 2008, 7:50 am
    Post #22 - July 9th, 2008, 7:50 am Post #22 - July 9th, 2008, 7:50 am
    Mike G wrote:That adults should not be eating cookie dough is one of mine.

    I suppose I'll never quite be an adult then, as I can't help but sneak a taste or two whenever I make cookies! That was always one of my favorite parts of making cookies with my grandma - we always got to eat the leftover bits that were too small to make into more cookies - half for her, half for me. I don't expect I'll ever grow out of that, if I haven't by now.
    (Of course there is a *huge* difference between homemade cookie dough and the "cookie dough" bits at your average ice cream establishment, obviously.)
  • Post #23 - July 9th, 2008, 8:25 am
    Post #23 - July 9th, 2008, 8:25 am Post #23 - July 9th, 2008, 8:25 am
    On the morning of 7/3 I decided to make my first trip to Peoria Packing to pick up a pair of briskets for the 7/4 BBQ. There was a thirty to forty person line out the door. I had never been there before but the chatter in the line is that they had never seen the place so crowded before.

    Because of the crush shopping carts (or buggies as some folks referred to them) were in short supply. Also because of the crush parking was in short supply. People were leaving the store with their carts and walking to their cars down the street. Of course no one was returning their "buggies", making the cart shortage more acute. Some people were leaving the line, fetchng a cart and waiting in the line to enter the store with said cart. PP had a very nice gentleman at the front of the line who tried to explain to those holding the carts in the line that if they gave up their cart then the person in the front of the line could go in and thus moving the line. Would people do this? Of course not. Did it add much time to my trip? Not really. But I am amazed that people hold onto their carts like a two year old when it clearly is in their interest not to do so. And yelling at the guy who tries to explain this to you makes even less sense.

    I am sure this was an unusual experience at P. Packing. But I don't think I am going back there for a while. The store was great, their customers on the other hand...
    I'm not Angry, I'm hungry.
  • Post #24 - July 9th, 2008, 8:36 am
    Post #24 - July 9th, 2008, 8:36 am Post #24 - July 9th, 2008, 8:36 am
    AngrySarah wrote:PP had a very nice gentleman at the front of the line who tried to explain to those holding the carts in the line that if they gave up their cart then the person in the front of the line could go in and thus moving the line. Would people do this? Of course not...I am amazed that people hold onto their carts like a two year old when it clearly is in their interest not to do so. And yelling at the guy who tries to explain this to you makes even less sense.

    It must have been in the spirit of Independence.
  • Post #25 - July 9th, 2008, 9:25 am
    Post #25 - July 9th, 2008, 9:25 am Post #25 - July 9th, 2008, 9:25 am
    Hi,

    Peoria Packing House is a madhouse around major holidays. They also have a bulge in activity once LINK cards are filled at the beginning of the month. Fourth of July has a convergence of holiday and LINK card related purchases.

    As much as I like going there, I do avoid them at these peak times.

    Regards,
    Cathy2

    "You'll be remembered long after you're dead if you make good gravy, mashed potatoes and biscuits." -- Nathalie Dupree
    Facebook, Twitter, Greater Midwest Foodways, Road Food 2012: Podcast
  • Post #26 - July 9th, 2008, 7:58 pm
    Post #26 - July 9th, 2008, 7:58 pm Post #26 - July 9th, 2008, 7:58 pm
    many sources wrote:cookie dough


    Like mom said, "don't eat it, it'll give you worms." Good enough for me. Mom knew what she was talking about.

    [ or did she?]

    Geo
    Sooo, you like wine and are looking for something good to read? Maybe *this* will do the trick! :)
  • Post #27 - July 10th, 2008, 11:19 am
    Post #27 - July 10th, 2008, 11:19 am Post #27 - July 10th, 2008, 11:19 am
    Eating raw cookie dough right out of the mixing bowl is one of adult life's deepest, darkest pleasures. But what do I know? I also eat nacho cheez.
  • Post #28 - July 10th, 2008, 11:27 am
    Post #28 - July 10th, 2008, 11:27 am Post #28 - July 10th, 2008, 11:27 am
    But of course - though, as said upthread, the stuff in most commercial ice cream has as much to do with actual cookie dough as motor oil has with olive oil.
  • Post #29 - July 10th, 2008, 11:31 am
    Post #29 - July 10th, 2008, 11:31 am Post #29 - July 10th, 2008, 11:31 am
    Mhays wrote:as motor oil has with olive oil.


    Oh Mhays, shame on you! You have put an AWful image in my brain, where it will circle around like a catchy tune, forever... :(

    Brilliant, tho'.

    Geo
    Sooo, you like wine and are looking for something good to read? Maybe *this* will do the trick! :)
  • Post #30 - July 10th, 2008, 12:49 pm
    Post #30 - July 10th, 2008, 12:49 pm Post #30 - July 10th, 2008, 12:49 pm
    Mike G wrote:
    I did no more than what Louis d'Ascoyne Mazzini did to those ahead of him in line...


    "I shot an arrow into the air
    She fell to earth in Berkeley Square"

    --Louis d'Ascoyne Mazzini (re balloonist Lady Agatha d'Ascoyne)
    Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.

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